Not a fan.

I'm not a fan of Mondays. 

I got some disappointing news last Monday, 

I don't want to go into details yet but

I wasn't broken hearted about it, it just shook me up a bit. 

Today, I received heart crushing and dream splattering news

And found myself balling my eyes out in front of a stranger. 

I'm crushed and discouraged and angry and embarrassed and confused. 

I don't know what the next step should be. 

I don't even know if I should make a next step.

Honestly, I'm starting to question myself and how unshakeable my faith is. 

I'm starting to question what Gods will for me is and if I missed out on it. 

Which is a terrifying feeling I might add. 

If Gods will is to be done then why do people miss out on it? 

That doesn't make sense to me. 

I keep thinking, 

"Ok God, you made your point. Now fix it. K?" 

And I also know that God can handle a little 20 year old girls anger and frustration. 

He isn't going to lose any sleep over it. 

 

My thoughts right now are what's next? 

I've been through too much garbage to just give up.

I've been known to overcome a few obstacles, 

And I also know how to make the best of what I've been given. 

This blog post is sad, messy, it has a weird ending, and I'll probably get asked what's going on. 

I feel like a tease. 

Not sorry. 

"If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?" 

Worship the night away.

The enemy latches onto my skin like a bloodsucking leech.
In an instant I become so weak and frail.
I've underestimated my own strength and I begin to break.

Elevation Worship is blasting through my speakers.
Why does he always find me?
How does he always find me?
I begin to sing along the words
and my heart begins to mend.

No one said being saved was easy
I assumed that giving your life to God was a happy ending.
It's work and it's a fight.

But it's worth it,
it's worth the times of uncertainity and the heart ache
it's worth those undignifed moments in worship when you're caught up in God's endless grace.

Father, i'm clinging to Your promises of being constant and holding me up.
I'm clinging to the truth that You hold my heart in your mighty hand.

Disgusting dirt.

The definition of filth is disgusting dirt. Straight and to the point.
That is my favorite word to describe myself.
I'm filth, i'm wretched, i'm a mess, I have no sense of direction without God.
But only with God am I someone different, someone better and with a purpose.

Honestly, i'm not that great.
I judge without thinking, my heart is a disgusting wreck, and i'm a sinner.
But one of my favorite verses is 1 John 4:4 "Because the one who is in you is greater than the who is in the world"
My flesh is apart of this world, but the only reason I am good or come close to being decent is beacuse I am attached to the Holy Spirit.

God, without you I am nothing.
I need you.
I want you.
I want to be so on fire for You that people will look at me and within ten seconds they will know that my heart is on fire for you.
I love you and the fact that you saved me from my sinful ways.

God is not a crummy God.

Today was crummy.
I woke up irritated and just put off.
I just wanted to sleep and sleep and drink some coffee and sleep some more.
For some reason I wore a jacket that I haven't worn in years, and discovered a crisp twenty dollar bill. 
That made my day a little less crummy.
I can say it over and over that my God is good.

My day got a little better, my dad and I got coffee and looked at books and had a good date together.
I can't think of the last time we had that time together.
But, everyone with depression knows that happiness on days like this comes and goes.
And it went, fast.

So now, I am sitting on my bedroom floor with my bible open and my worship music playing loud and just talking and praying.
I know that my God is good and He will never foresake me.
I know that I am loved tremendously by my Heavenly and earthly fathers.